Top 10 Anti-Christmas Songs

Isn't Christmas just awful?

All that forced jollity and the unreasonably high expectation that you'll be cheerful and full of the festive spirit. It's the favourite holiday of the worst kind of extrovert. The office bore and that aunt that you secretly hate both adore it. With their stupid paper hats and Christmas jumpers and insistence on bothering you with all their horrible tawdry Christmas-ness. Ugh. Once a year is once too often.

Join us then, on this exploration of musicians who recognise Christmas for what it is. When everyone else was waiting at the bottom of the chimney full of dewy-eyed excitement they were laying bear traps and throwing the mince pies at passersby. Let us celebrate them.

Below, we list 10 songs that hate Christmas as much as you (probably) do.

Oscar the Grouch – I Hate Christmas


Oscar knows what we're talking about. Making Mark E Smith look positively optimistic in comparison, he tells us everything that's wrong with Christmas from the stage of his trash can. He hates presents, Santa, and people smiling. Truly, Oscar is a prophet for our times and we can only bask in his reflected glory.

The Fall – No Christmas for John Quays


Speaking of Mark E Smith, it's fair to say the curmudgeon's curmudgeon is not, in fact, getting into the festive spirit. "No Christmas for John Quays" (try reading it out loud if you don't get the reference) is as obtuse as it gets. One expects no more from The Fall. But we can rest assured that whatever Mark happens to be banging on about this time, he's bitter and cynical about it.

Fear – Fuck Christmas


Last year I suggested that “Cheap cynicism and shouting “fuck Christmas” is easy” in my Christmas song article. Here's cheap cynicism and Fear shouting “fuck Christmas.” Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. It's never big nor clever. But it is quite hard.

Sparks – Thank God it's Not Christmas


It may be smothered under a layer of irony, as is Sparks' wont, but this is the very model of an anti-Christmas song. Sparks hate Christmas so much they spend their time on other days being glad Christmas hasn't arrived yet. Quite right too. It's possibly about the sheer agony of spending Christmas with someone you've fallen out of love with. Or maybe not. It's a damn fine song, either way.

Malcolm Middleton – Burst Noel


But if we really want to reflect on how miserable Christmas is, there's only one place to turn. It's Malcolm Middleton, the Scottish king of miserablism. His kingdom is empty and Malcolm is all alone. His friends are all strangers. He's watching Eastenders. The only 'consolation' is that the rest of the year will be at least as bad. It's lonely on the gilded throne.

Sufjan Stevens – That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!


But our friends across the pond are no slouches when it comes to gloominess at Christmas time, as Sufjan shows. It's Christmas time and everything is wrong with his family. As much is left unsaid as stated openly in this, but it's those silences that scream volumes. “Silent night, Nothing feels right.

Reverend Glen Armstrong – Death of an Elf


So far, it might seem like Santa Claus has gotten away scot-free. It's time to change that, with this musical expose of his crimes. The brutal worker murdering capitalist fat cat is a symbol of everything wrong with today's society. His suit is stained red with the blood of the workers. If you must celebrate Christmas do so by remembering the martyrdom of Blinky the elf. He died so you could be free.

The Vandals – Grandpa's Last Christmas


But Christmas isn't just about snow, presents and the ruthless exploitation of the proletariat by the bourgeoisie. It's also about spending time with Grandpa despite the fact he's a horrible person and you hate him but it's Christmas and he might die soon anyway. Christmas is so awful.

ShiSho – Merry Christmas, Now Leave


ShiSho would like to point out that it's not just Grandpa who's horrible. It's every single member of your family. Good point well made ShiSho! Christmas, a time for pretending to like people you secretly wish get hit by a bus.

Tom Lehrer – A Christmas Carol


To finish off our collection of joyously festive ditties, some Tom Lehrer. In this time of cynicism, Tom is here to remind us of the true meaning of Christmas. Commercialism and cash registers. The sound of late-period capitalism falling deeper in barbarism and of Nero fiddling while Rome burns.


One Response to “Top 10 Anti-Christmas Songs”


    1. Top 10 Anti-Christmas Songs – Live List - 13/12/2017

      […] post Top 10 Anti-Christmas Songs appeared first on […]

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *