Top 10 Anti-Love Songs

Anti-Love SongsValentine's Day is here. Aren't you excited by the thought of all that crass commercialism? Of annoyingly ostentatious displays of public affection by people old enough to know better, convinced it will last forever? It's even worse if you're a member of the Moran gang. Here's a collection of anti-love songs for those realists (or as the naïve and infantile prefer to call us, 'cynics') who recognise the whole tawdry business for the cheap tat it really is.

You know what else lasts forever? Herpes, that's what.

Shampoo – Dirty Old Love Song

If you want to give the major label executive in your life something guaranteed to get his cash register pumping, there's nothing better than a love song. Everyone unable to put their feelings into their own words will lap it up and you'll end up being played at weddings just before Lady in Red for years to come. “Lady in Red”, incidentally, is about the nanny Chris de Burgh was fucking behind his wife's back. So perhaps not the most appropriate choice, although it's still a better idea than “Every Breath I Take”. Anyway, Shampoo wants none of this shit with this, perhaps the finest of their anti-love songs.


Garbage – I Hate Love

Shirley Manson knows the score. Love isn't all cloud castles and candyfloss and other ridiculous things beginning with the word 'C'. Love is a repeated punch to the gut and inherently untrustworthy. Roses are a perfect metaphor. Because roses die.


The Magnetic Fields – I Don't Believe You

Can the wild protestations of love the season brings even be believed in the first place? Hardly. Because as The Magnetic Fields wisely points out, they hardly sound very realistic.


The Wonder Stuff – It's Yer Money I'm After Baby

There are some things that will always be truly important, however. Like cash. Cold, hard cash. The Wonder Stuff is truly a godsend to anybody who values honesty in a relationship. Save the money you'd have spent on a card and a box of chocolates and just pass it on to them directly. Please remember to take into account inflation since 1988.


The Broken Family – Alone In the Makeout Room

True love isn't about all the surface gloss of Valentine's Day. It's about simultaneously loving the other person and regularly hoping they die. It's a rivalry that spurs you onto greater things. It's not that you were never happy. It's that you were left alone in the makeout room.


Kate Nash – Foundations

Kate Nash has given us what is perhaps the best ever description of a dying relationship that just won't end. It's mutually self-destructive and generally a bad idea. If you claim that you have never in your life thought “dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one” you're either a liar or a naïf. I hope that it's the former. Liars are far more tolerable. There's something honest about liars.


The Mountain Goats – No Children

Ok, the best ever description is either Kate Nash or The Mountain Goats. Dammit. Where Kate Nash's anti-love songs are despondent, this is defiant. If you're going to be dragged down, make sure to drag the other person with you. And hopefully everyone else you can rope in. Still, you could say the protagonists of this song are actually very altruistic. By staying together they're only making two people miserable instead of four. That's admirable.


The Cardigans – Lovefool

When people talk about relationships being about “sacrifice” the most charitable interpretation is that they haven't thought it through. This is what sacrifice in a relationship really looks like. Giving up your dignity for the slightest fruitless shreds of hope. Don't do this, kids.


Space – The Ballad of Tom Jones

Alternatively, go back to plotting each other's death. Just make sure to throw out your Tom Jones collection and you'll be fine.


The Cure – It's Not You

But eventually, even the most dedicated singleton will want to find somebody. There are main varying factors that can come into play when choosing a suitable partner. There's only one constant. It's not you.

Think we're being a little harsh on Valentine's Day? Not sure our anti-love songs playlist really chimes with you? Come back tomorrow for our Top 10 Love Songs That Aren't Dire!


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