Top 10 Songs About Stalking

Ex-girlfriends. Celebrities. Cute shop assistants. Olivia Williams in Rushmore. Sometimes that special person in your life just takes a bit of... Research. And what better way to break the ice than with some personal information romantically gleaned from the beloved's recycling?

As always, pop music is here to hold your hand, guide you through the do's and don't's of amour lointain, and drive you home from court. Below, we list ten of the best songs about stalking to exist, to our knowledge. Weigh in, if you must.

1// WHY? - Simeon's Dilemma

Deny everything. 

She definitely saw you, dude, following her on your "fixie" and mumbling about hearing her name in wedding bells. But can she prove it? Well, yes actually. Nonetheless, if you break into your sweetest falsetto, she'll soon forget about the whole vehicular espionage thing. "You're the only proper noun I need," Yoni declares, which will come in handy when the police ask for your name later.

2// Robyn - Dancing On My Own

Find out where they like to hang out. 

And then stand in the corner, doing the Macarena (it doesn't matter which song is playing), staring at your ex-boyfriend while he gets off with his new missus. You're just going to do this - all night. Men find a consistently well-executed Macarena irresistible, and will soon toss aside their attractive, emotionally stable new partner to join you in the corner.

3// Eels - Restraining Order Blues

Don't get caught.

"Judge made it clear," sings Mark Everett, "I can't be near you." Aww! Unfortunately this is the kind of dastardly love-ruining that law enforcement authorities will mete out if you're not careful. Sometimes the best way to reveal your true heart is to hide your bloated figure in the driveway.

4// The Wedding Present - Bewitched

Timing is everything. 

Opportunities will be missed. Sometimes they'll be with other people, which means it's hard to get them alone to have that all-important, one-to-one chat that only one of you realises that you both need. Here, David Gedge sings us a song about when you're waiting outside a person's house, and then the light that was on in the person's house goes out. We've all been there!

5// The Pharcyde - Passin' Me By

Make your intentions clear. 

Apples, hugs and graffiti are all excellent gestures, but at some point you need to let your feelings be known. Writing a letter is a good way of expressing your feelings, and even better to put your sentiments to a hip-hop track, where you can show off your wordplay: "If I was your man then I would be true, the only lying I would do is in the bed with you." The message is clear: women in bed are likely to be half-asleep, so you can make something up about how her neighbour lent you a key or something.

6// Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

Convince them that it's meant to be. 

Morrissey knows a thing or two about not getting what he wants, but on this track he says: go get 'em, tiger!

7// Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me

Check that the feeling is mutual... 

You don't just want to be with this person, like a selfish brute; you want them to want to be with you too, so your potential lover needs to know that you want them to want you to want them as well. If this gets too confusing, try drawing a picture of yourself next to the object of your affections, adorned with various arrows and the word 'WANT' between the two of you.

8// Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart

... But if it's not, convince them that it should be.

Sure, they're the most perfect human being you've ever laid eyes on, but you're a catch, too! Does your future lover know this yet? Have you even told them? Do you think Zooey Deschanel is nice in real life?

9// The Police - Every Breath You Take

Make sure to monitor their breathing. 

Is your crush constantly out of breath? They may have respiratory problems. Heed Sting's cautionary tale and don't chase people too far, unless you know how to perform mouth-to-mouth, or have seen it performed on television.

10// Blondie - One Way or Another

Most of all, never give up. 

So you've been knocked back a few times. What, are you going to give up just like that? Debbie Harry didn't give up, and look at her now.

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  1. Top 10 Songs About Stalking | Loud and Bright - 25/02/2016

    […] Continue reading at Drunken Werewolf […]

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